Make the time

I speak to you as a fellow procrastinator. Don’t wait. I’ve done it. I’ve waited until everything piled up, I felt horrible, I was sick, and my life felt like it was falling apart. That’s no way to live. 

Whatever your body has been whispering to you, listen. Those aches and pains that are saying rest- they’re right. That headache you’ve had for a week- it’s got something to say. When your stomach gets twisted up in knots every time you even think about doing that thing-you know that thing. Have you taken the time to investigate it?

I wonder when the last time was that you actually sat and listened to what your body and soul needed? I wonder what long stretches of time in between check-ins do to a person?

I know you know deep down living this way is not sustainable. You can’t continue in the world exhausted and irritated and going through the motions. Well, you can, just not without consequences. 

There will never be a “good time”. Life is messy and busy. There’s no perfect time to do anything in life. Not to have kids, go to school, deal with grief, or go to therapy. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. It just means you have to make space for it- value it enough to make it a priority.

Feeling better and actually enjoying life is possible if you change something. So don’t put yourself off one more day. Don’t fill your cup last like you usually do. Start now. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. Show up for yourself the way you do with everyone else. 

Make the time.

Fifteen-Minute Meditation Playlist

Do you hate new-age, spa-like meditation music? I do. But I LOVE to meditate. Maybe you don’t. Yet. If you’re even the tiniest bit interested, take a listen. 

This is a playlist of meditation music to help ease you into taking all the craziness inside of you and letting it slowly settle to the bottom so you can spend the day focusing on what matters.

Just a head’s up, it is not what many people think is “traditional” meditation music. I use beats in this practice because it mimics our comfort in hearing and connecting with the human heartbeat.

I also want to reinforce that meditation doesn’t have to look the way you think it looks. Most often, it doesn’t occur lying in Lululemon on a yoga mat. It looks like gripping the only free five minutes you have in a day to connect with yourself and be truly in the moment.

Loved it? Now you’re on your way to an awesome meditation practice.

Hated it? Good.

This is just a small stepping stone to finding what’s right for you. Now you know this doesn’t work for you. You can focus your efforts on finding a meditation practice that you can connect to.

I challenge you to find something that works for you and not stop until you find it. Because you WILL find it.

How to Pick the Right Therapist for You

Read more below

Choosing a therapist is unnecessarily hard. I’m a therapist and it can be stressful and confusing for me to navigate. You might be thinking, “how does it work?” or “Where do I even start?”. I wrote this post to be a starting point for anyone looking for counseling. This will be the first of many to help break down the barriers that prevent people from getting help.

Payment

I know it sucks. And to top it off, I started with money. But wait! Don’t click away yet. 

This is important. Let me just say right now as a disclaimer: imagine me staring judgingly at our government leaders as I say this. Mental health care should not be expensive. It is no different than any other type of health. Without mental health our bodies don’t work well and without physical health our minds can’t do their best. People should not have to do a cost-benefit analysis of their childcare and groceries just to take care of themselves or see quality providers.

But that is a totally different rant.

Insurance

Back to money. If I haven’t lost you yet, think about this. Despite that soap box I just stood on, the system is imperfect and we have to learn to navigate through it. In order to do that, you need to consider how you will pay for this service. Similar to medical care, many insurances cover therapy- especially now, especially during the pandemic. So IF you are employed by an organization who provides insurance *eye roll* then mental health service could be covered. All you have to do is contact your provider and see what is covered. These days you can even pay for mental health services with your HSA or FSA. There is even an option to pay out-of-pocket and petition your insurance for reimbursement.

Uninsured

If you don’t have insurance, things can be trickier but still possible. Some counselors accept private pay and set their own rates. For those not rolling in money, many providers allow prices based on your income. If things get really tough, calculate what you could pay and how many times a month you could afford it and see about working this out with your ideal provider.  There are even websites like that connect people with low-income needs with the right therapists. As therapists, we conform to a code of ethics that allows us to take on deserving clients for low rates or free.

Research

This is really important. I probably said that about every other tip but it is. Make sure you are seeing a state-licensed mental health worker. This could be a counselor, social worker, psychologist, or psychiatrist. This matters so much because the aforementioned occupations are not only regulated but have a code of ethics in which they operate. These professionals go through certified programs and rigorous testing. They are confirmed by a board of peers, supervised by other established professionals, and require continued education in the field. This could also include to life coaching and yoga therapists; this is different in each state. The research matters. This can include asking trusted people who they would recommend and even who they don’t and why.

Connect

Connecting to someone you don’t know can be hard. If you live in an area saturated with therapists, this can feel even more impossible. A tip to help navigate a sea of providers is to find something about the potential therapist that you can identify with. It can be anything. They have dogs? They might be a good human. You appreciate their sense of humor? Try it out. Self-proclaimed Harry Potter fan? No need to even second guess that one. They support those causes you are also passionate about? What do you have to lose? Finding some common ground can help shake off the nerves about a completely scary but totally worth it endeavor of sharing your life with a stranger. Sometimes it is worth it to trust your gut.

Consult

Most clinicians do consults before starting work with a client. Think of this as a double job interview. The therapist is determining if you would be a good fit for their skill set and you should be determining if you could see yourself connecting with them. Think of questions that would be important to you and ask them. Let me be clear, this is not a free therapy session. This is a vibe check, if you will. A vibe check for you, an informal assessment for the clinician. If a counselor offers this service (often for free) utilize it. It benefits everyone and save both parties from wasting time.

Special needs

Not all therapists are made equal. It is hard for me to say but it is true. Mental health professionals have a specific scope of practice which means they have specific education, training, and competency in a specific area. Therapeutic needs like autism, high-conflict families, and addiction can require special expertise. Those families who have a loved one struggling with disordered eating, obsessive-compulsive disorder, racial trauma, and LGBT+- based issues would benefit most from clinicians with experience in these issues. If your needs are specialized, include that in your research. There is someone who does what you need, you may just have to search. 

Stay open

What a therapist-y thing to say. “Stay open to the process”. But there is a truth to that sentiment. Most of us, or all of us, have well-crafted defenses that can prevent us from starting the process of healing. As much as you can, try to be mindful of that. Come to sessions willing to try and with your heart open. Allow three sessions to get a feel for therapy and and the therapist. 

Deciding to begin healing or improve your life is a huge step. It has the weight of not only finding emotional and mental freedom but also breaking toxic cycles in your family and marriage. It is meaningful and worth it. Your therapy match exists and is waiting to support you on your journey.

Did I miss anything? Feel free to comment about something I can write about next.

Am I ambitious?

Am I ambitious enough?

Should I strive to make more money when I have enough?

Should I go to school to get an alphabet of letters behind my name just because?

 Who said I had to be ambitious?

An energy, an emptiness maybe, called me to be ambitious and perfect since I was young.

Embarrassingly I admit, if I was not striving for something greater, I would feel fragmented.

I don’t like to think I wouldn’t be ambitious.

If I am not ambitious am I lazy, immature, short-sighted?

 People say to me in well-meaning tones:

“You’re so pretty, why aren’t you married?”

“You should be making more money.”

“You should buy a house and start a family.”

“You should go back to school, you don’t have a family-you have the time to do it”.

But there is a rebellion that burns in me. That whispers quietly, “It’s not you, it’s them”.

 “But I am ambitious!” I scream on the inside so loud I begin to shake.

Do you know what’s freaking ambitious?

Getting up everyday feeling like I am sinking and choosing to smile. Not faking it, choosing grasp onto gratitude.

Being kind in a cruel world.

Choosing to love when the world has no love to give.

Offering a sensitive heart to those who need rest only to have it torn up, stomped on, and rejected. Doing this again and again.

Staying radically present in a place always jockeying for my attention.

Saying no. Using it as a full sentence.

Creating when I feel broken, when it is selfish, when it yields no tangible fruit.

Chasing after God when it seems illogical. When He’s illogical.

What is ambition really? I’ve only just discovered it.

To the girls who quit

I saw you quit. Me too. Thank you for that. Your courage unbridled mine.

I know, your friends think you’re crazy. Your family has likely started soliciting extra prayers for you from strangers. They should. You need them, but not for the reasons they think.

They are going to tip toe around you for while, suggest support, and eye you to see if you’ve really lost it.

Some people will judge you for it. They will project their anxieties onto you about money and shirking the status quo with feigned concern about your livelihood. 

Some will insinuate you couldn’t make it in that world. Maybe you just weren’t tough enough, or wily enough to power through.

But I understand. Our souls speak the same language.

You had your head down again wondering why you the hell this was your life. You were laying in your bed negotiating ways to get out of work; that maybe that gnawing at your stomach would stop if you just stayed home-if only momentarily. 

You spent too many Sundays bewildered about what to do with your fractured soul and wondering what good you were doing for anyone at work. You tried to put off the existential crisis but it just would not wait.

 It is a tragedy really. What it took to get you here. This space seemed right once. It seemed like a calling, once.

Man, you were so good at taking care of other people. You’d think I could do it for myself- I mean yourself.  

Remember those moments you spent frustrated, pissed, stuck?  No need to resent yourself. Remember how the fire those emotions stoked helped you choose you?

Remember that moment you realized you gave too much of yourself away? And how that feeling hurt more than knowing where your next dollar would com from?

I’m so glad you leapt. I wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t.

I almost lost me. I broke off pieces of myself until there wasn’t much left. I had to gather them again when I jumped; it was one of the few things I took with me. I did it. I thought I couldn’t- I thought that a lot.

The unfolding will be glorious.

Don’t let the slights paralyze you. The sifting hurts at first but it helps you let go; you didn’t need all that you were carrying. But you didn’t know that until you had to let go.

Thank you again. I earned more feathers on my wings.